Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) in Relationships

In all relationships, if we don’t like and respect ourselves, how can we expect others to? On the other hand, if we do like and respect ourselves, it is much easier for others to do the same. Loving and fulfilling relationships are the result. HSP's in relationships ...

HSP’s in relationships

We know that HSPs must find the right balance between being ‘out there’ in the world and spending time alone ‘in their world.’ Spending time in one’s own company is not selfish, when it is done for survival, and physical and emotional health! In relationships HSPs, especially, must get the balance right between how much time they spend engaging fully with their partner/loved one/friend and how much time they spend alone and/or doing their own thing. This invariably requires a ‘less sensitive’ partner to gain a deeper understanding of what it means to be highly sensitive.

“Many less sensitive people may initially think that their HSP friend’s need for time alone indicates a lack of interest or commitment to the relationship or, at worst, signifies rejection … One could easily take offence if they don’t understand that their highly sensitive partner/friend is just taking a very necessary time out in order to bounce back resiliently and be fully attentive and the best company tomorrow or the next time they meet.” Less sensitive friends and family may also need to learn that HSPs’ response to stress or trauma, for instance, may often be to spend more time alone, not less.

HSP’s are generally not needy, very content if in their own company and self-sufficient. However, “if an HSP is in a relationship with a less sensitive and very needy person, this is potentially problematic. If someone is very demanding and needs to be with their highly sensitive partner at all times, the HSP will either become emotionally exhausted or will try desperately to find some personal space, or both. The less sensitive person will need to accept this and allow the HSP some personal space, even just by being in different rooms of the house at times!”

(All quotes from my book, Embracing the Gift of High Sensitivity.)

What HSP’s bring to a relationship:

• HSPs are concerned about the world and everyone and everything in it. Highly sensitive people feel a deep connection to everything around them. This connection means they care about and are very aware of any impact they have on their surroundings and the people in it. Anyone in relationship with an HSP will always sense that respect, care and concern.
• HSPs’ natural empathy means that they are sensitive to and in tune with the way others are feeling. It is a great skill and reflects their good emotional and social IQ. Anyone in relationship with an HSP will be a beneficiary.
• HSPs bring their passion, search for meaning and sense of spirituality to a relationship. By spirituality here I mean a rich inner world, one that often prompts them to express a unique and imaginative viewpoint. They have a unique perspective of any given situation that makes HSPs interesting and entertaining to be with.
• HSPs notice the nuances, are cautious, and consider their options. This allows them to actively observe and then use their intuitive ability. Thinking ‘outside the square,’ a highly sensitive person can often conceive novel solutions to deal with problems and conflicts.
• HSPs are authentic and not interested in talking about themselves, their partners or others in a shallow or superficial way. For sensitive people it seems natural to share deeper, more authentic insights about themselves and with their partners. Sincerity is a strong character trait and something that HSPs respect but also ‘crave’ from others.
• HSPs are generally unselfish. I have found that one of the reasons many highly sensitive people desire to spend time on their own is because, when in company, their instinctive response is outwards, towards the other (which unfortunately can make some HSPs more vulnerable in relationships with self-centred and narcissistic types.) Most sensitive people have a great sense of responsibility and are highly responsive to their partners, other people and the world around them.

HSP in relationship with non-HSP (less sensitive person)

Challenges:

• The sensory needs of each partner are completely different: ‘Their respective pursuit and avoidance of sensation can create a lot of friction, irritation and conflict’ (Lombard, 2014). ** For example, the less sensitive partner wants to try a new restaurant (getting sick of the same old same old!), while the HSP wants to stay with their tried and proven restaurant where the food and ambience are just right, and best of all there will be no surprises!
• The less sensitive partner can get ‘high’ on being busy, loud, talkative and ‘abuzz.’ Just being in their presence can create sensory overload and overwhelm the HSP.
• The less sensitive partner may be reluctant to try to understand high sensitivity, or worse may believe it is a weakness that should be changed. It is easier for the highly sensitive person to understand the needs of a less sensitive person, as they are much more overtly expressed.

**Identify and prioritise the things you do have in common — common needs, things you both enjoy doing, etc.

Advantages:

• The less sensitive partner will challenge the highly sensitive partner to be more social, venture out and explore in the world, and not get too set in their ways.
• The highly sensitive partner will be a stabilising influence on the less sensitive partner, helping them to establish the right balance between calm, peaceful time out with less sensory input, and other highly stimulating activities.

HSP in relationship with another HSP

Challenges:

• Both of you can easily become too structured, rigid and controlling, losing any spontaneity
• If you become set in your ways, compromise becomes an issue — you lose the ability to adapt to change
• At least one of you may need to become the catalyst to venture out of your comfort zone and explore new activities and social interactions to guard against withdrawing too much from society. You still need to strike the right balance between time ‘out there’ in the world and time spent by yourselves.

Advantages:

• Your needs are similar, and you understand each other naturally
• You ‘keep the peace’ and minimise the sensory input within your home and your lives
• You make your home a secure, harmonious space
• Quiet time together is enjoyable and satisfying in itself

All the above based on my book, Embracing the Gift of High Sensitivity.

HSP Resources:

• My book, Embracing the Gift of High Sensitivity – a guide to a joyful life
• Recommended websites (subscribe to their e-newsletters and/or blogs):

hsphealth.com.au

hsperson.com

ilsesand.com

highlysensitiverefuge.com