We Are Not Responsible for Other People’s Feelings

When I was younger, I often tried to manage other people’s emotions and that, with your own, is a lot of emotional management when you are an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)! I remember deciding not to have a 21^st Birthday Party because I was so worried about how my friends would get along – my old school friends, uni-student friends, football club friends and ‘heavy partying’ friends. Perhaps I worried unnecessarily but when you are an HSP you do ‘read (feel) the room’ strongly. I would have either FELT uncomfortable, or chosen to take the easy way out and just ‘numbed’ myself with alcohol. And in those days the latter would have been the choice. Fast forward to my many years as a practicing Naturopath and Counsellor, I have been able to use my sensitivity, and ability to ‘read (feel) the room’, to my advantage and help others with their physical and emotional health challenges.

There are times when we need to speak up but at the age of twenty-one, I found that very difficult, especially while being overwhelmed by an emotionally charged situation. Many people find it difficult to speak up for themselves, set appropriate boundaries, etc. but highly sensitive people find it much more difficult because they easily become overwhelmed by the combination of their own intense feelings within themselves and what they absorb from their surroundings (and the people in it).

Even in my 30’s and 40’s by which time I had become much better at speaking up for myself, I still found it difficult as a lecturer to speak up and call out someone in class for instance, who was disruptive or behaved inappropriately during a lecture. What this meant was by the time I finally would have plucked up the courage (or simply lost patience!) to ‘call them out’, what came out of my mouth didn’t make much sense. Because the cumulative emotional level, built up in me after the many indiscretions I didn't take action upon, totally overwhelmed me and 'scrambled' any words I tried to string together!. That 'emotional baggage' I was carrying would instantaneously well up in me and sabotage my ability to speak my mind clearly and directly. “Speaking up for ourselves is not only hard to do, but it tends to bring up a ton of emotional baggage from our past.” (Laruen Sapala, 2024)

Many non-HSP’s (less sensitive people) believe the personal needs of HSPs are weird and can be inconvenient to others, as they are often different to the majority. We (HSPs) do need more personal space. We do need more time to decide. We do need time-out to unwind in our own quiet, often unique, way. People often get confused by our needs, or worse, can feel offended or rejected. A couple I was counselling in my private practice provided a good example, one being an HSP and the other not. The HSP of the couple informed me, “When I come home from a busy day, especially if stressful, my way of ‘winding down’ is to find a space by myself at home. I need a ‘time out’ in a quiet space, and definitely without any chatter! Even just for 20 minutes, then I’m ready to ‘resume contact with the world’ and especially with you [looking at partner].” The non HSP partner couldn’t understand this and often felt rejected. “Why can’t you share with me your day? I’m there for you. I don’t get it. I always want to come home and the first thing I want to do is be with you and talk and debrief on my hectic day or go out and chat while having a bite to eat.” After providing them with the space to really understand each other’s different needs things started to work out much better. With this particular issue, the non-HSP learnt to give the personal space their HSP partner needed in that moment. By not taking it personally and allowing their partner the ‘time out’ to unwind and recover, there was a reward, their (HSP) partner returned after ‘transforming’ back into the attentive, considerate, and loving person that all HSPs can naturally be.

Laruen Sapala (2025) describes what can happen with many other HSPs. “As a result, instead of figuring out how to negotiate with others for what we need, we withdraw further into our own world. We attempt to meet all of our needs there, totally on our own. That works about half the time. The other half, we end up feeling resentful, unheard, isolated, and powerless.” We have to get the balance right between how much time we spend ‘out there’ in the world and how much time we spend withdrawing.

“I believe the most important thing for all HSPs to address is getting the balance right between how much time they spend ‘out there’ in the world and how much time they spend in their own company in quiet retreat. As Dr Elaine Aron (2001) puts it, you need to avoid being ‘Out too much [and] in too much’. In other words, the question we have to answer for ourselves is how much and for how long do we open ourselves up to the elements (of our environment) and how much and for how long do we spend in refuge from them?” (pg. 143)

Extract from my book, Embracing the Gift of High Sensitivity

But even if we get the balance right, as highly sensitive people, we still need to speak up for what we need when we are ‘out there.’ We really do want to make sure that everyone else in our environment is happy and has their needs met but as mentioned above we cannot be in charge of everyone else’s emotions. Nor should we be. We need to take a few risks and communicate our needs to others. And because we are acutely aware of how what we say affects others it does make it more difficult and sometimes scarier. However, at the same time, it also means we are more mindful, and so, considerate in the way we speak, the words we use, and the medium we use to communicate. Hence, more often than not the other person accepts what we say and is even glad to be made aware. As long as we are respectful of other peoples’ personal space, we can expect others to be respectful of ours. Over time HSPs can get better at speaking up for themselves. They begin to speak up earlier, at the first opportunity, so things are resolved well before any type of confrontation ever becomes required.

I understand that often it will feel much easier to put someone else’s comfort before your own and in doing so deny your own comfort needs. However, I am reminded of the saying that ‘Only rogues give more than they have to give.” Hence, you are not only behaving in a disingenuous way, but you are also going to feel resentful at some level of your being. This is not good for your health or your relationships!  Speaking up for your needs isn’t easy. But if you are deeply committed to living your best life, the one you genuinely deserve, then there is no other option but for you to speak up in your unique way. “And the more you do it, the more you will be able to readily identify what’s yours, what belongs to other people, and how to draw the line between the two. You will come to a place where you step into your own power consistently, with passion and purpose.” (Lauren Sapala, 2025)